The Long Handle
Are you man enough for these 2014 awards?
Read on if you've drunk 52 beers or more in a sitting
Andrew Hughes
03-Jan-2015
The handing out of titles and bits of shiny metal by an aged aristocrat is a tradition as decrepit and anachronistic as the monarchy itself, a dismal relic of a feudal age in which commoners cringed and bowed for favours at the feet of their betters.
Unless, of course, you've just had a letter from the Queen, in which case it's a long-overdue recognition for a lifetime of dedicated service /doing a spot of acting/sorting out that little difficulty involving the Prime Minister's second cousin, the kidnapped llama and the bag full of stolen diamonds from Zanzibar.
Sadly, while British cricket subjects are eligible to pick up a medal or two at this time of year, the rest of the global cricket fraternity is left lingering in a cold, honours-free wilderness, where no one cares whether an MBE is better than a CBE and no one has ever heard of the Sacred Order of the Sock Suspender (awarded to elderly members of the Prince of Wales household upon the occasion of their 85th birthday).
Full postWhat to look forward to in 2015
Reviewing the year is for wimps. Instead, here's what's going to be making headlines in the year ahead
Andrew Hughes
31-Dec-2014
Poised on the crumbling ledge of late December, about to throw ourselves recklessly into the screaming void of an unknown January, we find our final moments of 2014 disturbed by a persistent annoying chatter; something like the din of a million grasshoppers operating a million tiny keyboards whilst talking on their miniature phones about their holiday plans.
That, dear readers, is the sound of the planet's cricket writers and broadcasters seeking to unburden themselves of their memories of 2014, a mass compulsion as remarkable and at the same time disturbing as the emergence of cicadas or the migration of locusts.
But this proliferation of retrospectives is not for our benefit. After all, we already know what happened in 2014, because we were there. How much more useful it would be to look back at what hasn't happened yet, to be able to sum up tomorrow's goings-on without having to wait for them to transpire. Well, now's your chance. Sit back, take a sip of your favourite intoxicant and enjoy the foresight of future hindsight with the Long Handle review of 2015.
Full postThe administrators of 2014
Because we need to appreciate the hard work and kickbacks they accept through the year
Andrew Hughes
27-Dec-2014
I don't know about you, but I've had enough of 2014. Like a Jonathan Trott innings or a series between India and Sri Lanka, it has been painful to watch, has contained few highlights and seems to have gone on for longer than is necessary.
But before we can get shot of 2014, we must first go through the ritual of the Naming of the Teams of the Year. As we speak, cricket hacks around the globe are sitting weary at their laptops, tapping out a list of the world's most obviously eminent cricketers (Warner, Amla, Sangakkara, Johnson, Steyn, er, how many is that?) cobbling together some spurious reasoning/statistical fluff/pun-heavy filler and pressing send.
Not until every cricket scribbler on the planet has submitted their near-identical copy, can the great cricket god in the sky knock off the bails of time and declare 2014 closed.
Full postThe gutting of Alastair
Connoisseurs of wacky cricket administration, come together now
Andrew Hughes
24-Dec-2014
Ladies and gentlemen of the Long Handle congregation, I would like to start today's sermon by reading a seasonal extract from the Book of Giles.
"And there came at that time three wise men named Peter, Paul and James, to bear witness to the chosen one, who was born on Christmas Day. They brought unto him gifts: gold, frankincense, and a vote of confidence, and they went forth into the land, proclaiming that he was a good chap and a natural leader.
But lo it came to pass that a bit later, they had second thoughts. Their hearts hardened against the chosen one and they denounced him, saying that it wasn't about personalities and that everyone makes mistakes, and that verily, he could keep the gold and frankincense, for according to Amazon these were non-returnable."
Full postThe decline in Indian cricket news
Excessive legalese to blame
Andrew Hughes
20-Dec-2014
There was a time when Indian cricket news was about cricket. India would play cricket, often they would win, sometimes they would lose. Occasionally someone would slap someone else, or there would be a cricket-related diplomatic incident, or a famous Indian cricketer would announce he wasn't going to be playing cricket any more. Of such cricket-related goings-on was Indian cricket news made.
But in recent months I've noticed a marked decline in the quality of Indian cricket news. There seems to be a drastic reduction in the number of photographs of Indian batsmen holding their bats aloft and a dramatic increase in pictures of middle-aged Indian men looking worried on their way to court.
Indian cricket has become tangled in the deep wild woods of the Indian legal system, and having failed to leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind it, Indian cricket can no longer remember how it got there. Consequently, Indian cricket news is crammed full of court-hearing dates, legal precedents, and a bewildering number of references to paragraph something or other of sub-section whatever.
Full postHow to choose an England captain
If there is no genius strain in him, check his school creds
Andrew Hughes
17-Dec-2014
During Tuesday's one-day international, an alien spacecraft landed outside the R Premadasa Stadium in Colombo. The intergalactic visitors, a little dazed from their journey, wandered into the England dressing room, where they bumped into Ravi Bopara.
"Greetings Earthling!" declared Ambassador Zarg of the seventh dimension.
"All right mate," said Ravi.
Full postThe DRS' in-built safety mechanism
Which protects humans from being enslaved by machines
Andrew Hughes
13-Dec-2014
During the second Test in Dubai, Shan Masood was hit on the heel by a Trent Boult inswinger and was given out. Somewhat disgruntled, as people with sore heels often are, Shan asked for a review and waited for justice to take its course.
Television viewers sat through a series of replays showing ball heading past leg stump. The decision was clearly going to be overturned, thought everyone. But then Hawk-Eye had a go. It showed the same ball heading in the same not-out direction, but then, a split second after impact, projected it veering dramatically to the right, performing a perfect figure of eight, and hitting Masood's middle stump half way up.
This isn't the first time that a DRS-aided dismissal has looked a little wonky, the most famous example occurring during a certain World Cup semi-final. But in the case of Ajmal and the Laws of Physics versus Tendulkar, the DRS-operators attempted to bluff it out. "There is nothing wrong with our system," they said, and then, when pressed, they said, "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH OUR SYSTEM!" in a louder voice.
Full postInside the ICC's Limb Re-education Unit
Film released on top-secret establishment
Andrew Hughes
10-Dec-2014
Thanks to the recent outbreak of Chuckitis in the cricket community, the ICC's Limb Re-education Unit in Dubai has been busier than ever. But exactly what goes on at this top-secret establishment? In an effort to dispel myths and reassure cricket fans, the ICC has released a short public information film:
Narrator: Here at the ICC, we want cricket to be clean. We don't want any cricketer to experience the stigma of being labelled a chucker. That's why any player under suspicion is immediately referred, for his own good, to our-state-of-the-art facility in downtown Dubai.
Cut to a tall, gloomy-looking building, surrounded by barbed wire. There is the sound of dogs barking and snarling. An army helicopter hovers overhead.
Full postThe worst professional cricket team in the world
A hilarious defeat that included a carefully constructed collapse, a pseudo recovery, and some blaming of the pitch
Andrew Hughes
06-Dec-2014
Professional sport is all about striving to be the best, to climb the rankings to top the table, to lift the trophy, to be photographed with champagne coming out of your nostrils whilst waving a small brown receptacle at posterity.
But although we enjoy watching the top teams trying to win things, it is in the desperate scrap to avoid failure and ignominy that most entertainment can be found.
Unfortunately, after a run of increasingly hilarious defeats - the cricket equivalent of watching a slapstick comedian repeatedly slip and fall on the same banana skin - England spoiled our fun by beating Sri Lanka, and even earned the bonus of having Alastair Cook banned from the next one-day international for thinking too slowly.
Full postThe best time to be an English cricket fan
Is now, with the news that the choicest domestic cricket is back on free-to-air TV
Andrew Hughes
03-Dec-2014
Exciting news, England fans! What's that I hear you ask? Has Alastair Cook decided to spend the winter on the farm and handed over the reins of the one-day international side? Has Giles Clarke been spotted leaving ECB HQ carrying a cardboard box piled high with his belongings? Has Michael Vaughan taken a vow of silence?
Not quite. But it does seem that, according to a report by ESPNcricinfo, English cricket could be back on free-to-air television as soon as next summer.
Now followers of English sporting matters will know that many English people regard the loss of English cricket from English television as the final nail in the coffin of human civilisation, and the possibility of its return the only faint glimmer of hope in what promises to be an otherwise entirely desolate century.
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